CHERILYN

My Heart Goes Out to Them

2009-07-22T16:24:08Z

so ... a LOT has happened ...

would you believe that last night someone i have NEVER met in my life actually TRIED to make me feel SHAMEFUL about being PURE ... about not being frivolous in my relationships ... about not being married yet ... WOW, so being divorced by my age is better than being PURE????? um ... NOT in MY world ...

the only thing i can think of to say about that is Roger's typical statement in 24/7 & something he even used to say when i was a teenager ... "SIN MAKES YOU STUPID!!!"

at first, i was really hurt & cried for 2 seconds on the phone to my mother ... but then (while talking to Tammy ... thx girlie) i realized what a BLESSING that is!!!!! PURITY!!!!!

i DO get lonely sometimes, but OVERALL, i have something that some people will never have again ... their PURITY ... i mean, i'm NO angel ... but as a 9th grader, God put into my heart the DESIRE to be pure for HIM ... & i TRY to live that way ... have there been "mess-ups"?? yes ... but when i made my TLW vow with the youth group at the age of 15 ... i MEANT IT ...

so ... it TRULY SADDENED me to see people who lash out at me (& again, whom i don't even know) because of that ... the anger they exhibited was SO SAD to me ... my heart broke for them as i was reading 2 Samuel last night (at about 2 am) ...

it's funny ... i've ALWAYS Been told ... PRAY for those who would curse you ... & i've always thought ... "EW, NO" ... but ... now i understand WHY ... i have NO ANGER toward her ... only heart-broken sadness for her ... i will continue to pray for her & am happy that God has yet taught me another lesson :) :) :) (although, it's actually something i've been told for YEARS ... i'm a little stubborn, i guess)

cherilyn0120 @ 2009-07-04T22:58:00

2009-07-05T04:19:17Z

k ... i had a major melt-down today ... over a SPIDER .. .well ... i don't think it was BECAUSE of the spider, i simply think the spider was the "FINAL straw"

i had a tarantula hanging out in my breezeway ALL day today ... which is TERRIFYING to me ... i CAN NOT handle large spiders in real life ... i look at picsof them, or watch arachnophobia & that's fine ... but ... i can't deal with them in real life ... i freeze up & CAN NOT move ... no matter how much my brain is telling me to move toward it ... i CAN NOT DO IT ...

anyway ...

he scared me to death when i left the house around lunch time ... so ... i turned around & went out my apt the back way & walked ALL The way around to get to my car ...

well ... when i got back from running errands he was STILL There ... so ... again, i walked AROUND ... knowing i was going to have to walk around 5 times tonight because whitney is watching my outside plants for me while i'm outta town for the rest of the month ... so ... i was gonna load them all up (there are 5 of them) & take them to her house so she could baby-sit them there ...

well ... around 6:00 pm was going to load up the plants ... so ... i grabbed my jalapeno plant (which is pretty big) & peeped out my front door ... YUP TARANTULA STILL THERE ... so ... i walked all the way around the apt building to my car ... out the plant down & then went back to my apt to get the bell pepper plant ... the bell pepper plant is HUGE, so it's kinda hard to carry & REALLY hard to get into my tiny car, so i carefully got it loaded in & went back to get the next plant when i GLANCED a the jalapeno plant ... AND ... THERE WAS A HUGE SPIDER ON THE SIDE OF THE POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i FROZE ... i carried that thing ALL The way from my apt & NOW it was in my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (just thinking about it makes me feel all "crawly" again) ...

well ... apparently i LOOKED upset, or shocked or something, cuz a few guys were walking past me & one of them said "are you ok?" ... i stammered something about a spider & another guy said "a spider IN your car?" ... another guy came over & said he'd take care of it ... so he grabbed it & then stepped on it ... i was so shocked ... i didn't even ask his name or anything ... i went straight back to my apt & LOST IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started crying, couldn't breathe, & began pacing my apt ... thinking about carrying that freaking spider ALL the way from my apt to my car !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started freaking out, searching my arms looking for bites ... i just ... BROKE DOWN

i didn't load up the remaining plants either ... if they die ... they die ... at this point in time ... i don't think i'm gonna have outside plants anymore ...

idk if the tarantula is still in the breezeway or not ... it's dark ... which is even more scary ... i really am terrified of spiders ... i remember the FIRST tarantula i ever saw ... at our ghetto house, so i was younger than the 3rd grade ... anyway, a near by hose burned down & i was taking the trash out after the fact ... i took a short-cut through an empty lot ... i almost stepped on it ... it reared up at me ... i screamed ... a fireman came over to show me how HARMLESS they were ... uh huh ... i had a re-occurring dream for years after that ... spiders all over me ... i used to have "night terrors" REAL BAD ... i remember running to my parents bedroom one night & i was SO scared because of all the tarantulas in my room (there were none, of course) ... anyway ... i just had a melt-down

struggling

2009-07-04T20:04:41Z

today is not shaping up to be a good one

i just wanna curl up in a corner & cry

i need some "happy pills"

my 5 1/2 inch spike heels

2009-06-30T18:38:55Z

i LOVE these shoes ... they make me 5'6 ... YAY!!!!

my eyes hurt

2009-06-26T01:03:54Z

i feel as though i should say/write something ...

but ... i don't have anything to say/write ...

even if i did ... i wouldn't know HOW to word it

**sigh** ... this has been the WORST day EVER

Voice Post

2009-06-21T19:40:49Z

ok ... here's a little more of the story fro mthe voice post that you HOPEFULLY listened to just above this ...

Vince Neil (lead singer of the CRUE) has a tattoo shop in Vegas ... i was interested in finding it, but we i dnd't really have time to go "exploring" whie we were there, so i didn't worry about it ... but ... on Sun morning, mom & i were walking down the Vegas Strip

then, i looked up & saw ....

YES!!!!!!!!!!! i FOUND IT!!!!!!!!! sadly, we DIDN'T have time to go in & (maybe) get some ink ... but ... now that i KNOW where it is ... (maybe) next time :)

then ... we found the Neiman Marcus & went searching for Nikki Sixx's clothing line called Royal Underground ... guess what ...

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS is the military style jacket that i bought ... SOO COOL!!!!!!

and THIS is the "chain-mail" inspired shirt that i was TRYING to describe in the voice post ... isn't it AMA-ZA-ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Voice Post

2009-06-21T03:21:41Z

chillin' at the slot machines ... pic taken right after i left the voice post

Planet Hollywood ... our hotel ... it was AWESOME

a pic of Charlton Heston ... man, he was an ATTRACTIVE man ... whew :) i DUG our room :)

the suit Charlton Heston wore in the movie Planet of the Apes ... in our room :)

mom & i shopping in the Planet Hollywood mall

Voice Post

2009-06-19T23:32:56Z

one of the Elephant Seals ... they're faces are cute ... but they're bodies are GROSS when they MOVE :)

part of the little town of Cambria that my mom wanted to shop in ... it's kind of like Ruiodoso

some of the NASTY seaweed all over the beach ... GROSS!!

i was eventually able to get CLOSE enough to the birds to get some AWESOME pics

this is my FAV of the "bird-pics" ... is that NOT a BEAUTIFUL bird?????

i'm IN the water at the beach ... i SAID in the post that i wasn't gonna play in the water, but my mother convinced me too

we got DRENCHED by the waves ... & ... the water was FREEZING!!!!!!!!!

Voice Post

2009-06-13T04:34:34Z

this is the hotel Paris ... the cafe we ate in was actually in Ballys, but Paris is REALLY REALLY beautiful :)

my aunt & uncle's dog Loopy ... isn't she CUTE!!!!!!

Voice Post

2009-06-09T05:14:04Z

after you listen to my voice post ... click below ...

it's my BEST voice post EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! it's from 2006!!!!!!!!

http://cherilyn0120.livejournal.com/37945.html

a few RANDOM thoughts

2009-06-06T15:10:24Z

ya know, i LOVE the rain ... i love the clouds ... i love to watch storms with lightning ... but, ONLY when they're NOT SCARY :) :) :)

but, last night ... we had some SCARY, CRAZY WIND ... after emailing the news station, the meteorologist told me that we had gusts up to 54 mph out where i live ... all i kept thinking about as my WINDOWS WERE RATTLING was that "heat burst" we had last june & how HORRIFYING that was !!! i was kinda scared & about 2 seconds from invading kyle & whitney's home just so i wouldn't be out here all alone (i'm SO tired of being alone when i get scared in the middle of the night) ... but, i was a BIG GIRL & didn't ... YAY FOR ME :) ... anyway ... around 3:30 AM the POWER WENT OFF!!!!!!! it stayed off for, idk, maybe about 10 mins ... the power going off ALWAYS scares me to death ... it's causes such a feeling of helplessness ... thank God it came back on SOON :)

gonna type up more Geography notes today ... i'd LIKE To get through Chapter 8 today ... but ... that MAY be wishful thinking ... i will FOR SURE get through Ch 4 though

teaching for Heath tomorrow ... that means i have to go get the donuts for the class ... YIKES!!! talk about SERIOUS temptation there!!! i've done SO well & been SO disciplined since school got out ... in the last 2 wks, i've dropped 12 lbs of the shameful 30 lbs i put on over the last semester (stress levels were WAY high & i have a WEAKNESS for ice cream) ... so ... i DON'T want to ruin that by eating a 400 calorie donut ... 400 cals in ONE thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg ... that's almost 1/2 the amount of cals i eat in a DAY!!!! just gotta STAY disciplined :)

i'm also DONE with being OUTWARDLY upset about school next year ... no matter HOW i feel or WHAT i think, it'll ALL be done internally from here on out ... all past "team-teaching" journal entries are locked & made "friends only" now ... i've had my rant & now i'm going into "shut-my-mouth mode" cuz nothing that is said matters anyway ... one thing i HAVE learned over the past year is that people DON'T listen ... they expect me to listen to them & others but my viepoints are not "valid" or just "over-reacting" ... i internalize everything anyway & in the past have ONLY trusted a FEW people (maybe even just ONE person) with my TRUE thoughts ... but even that??? what's the point?? it doesn't matter & becoming more vocal has only caused more people to hate me ... and i'm TOO much of a people-pleaser to like people hating me ... so ... i'll go along with teaming, do what i'm told, make no decisions & offer no thoughts on certain situations ... i'll not cause any waves ... NO MATTER WHAT I TRULY THINK ... i'm good at internalizing, i'll just TRULY have no one to "talk to" anymore about things ... & that DOES sadden me

gonna start getting busy now ... time to pick out some ROCKIN' playlists to be the day's soundtrack while i WORK :) ... ya know, it ALWAYS amazes me when people assume that my summers are "lazy days" ... i think i work MORE HOURS in the summer (getting ready for the next school year) than i do DURING the year!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-03T17:59:03Z

dude ... my mom just called & said ... "did you get my email yet?" ... i was like ... "no" ... she said ... "how's about Disneyland?" ... i was SPEECHLESS ... if you don't understand the "COOLNESS" of this ... read the entry BELOW

we've planned a trip to see our fam in Cali this summer & i WANT to hang with them ... i haven't seen them since my grandmother died my FIRST year back in midland!!!! i've never even met my cousin's daughter (i think she's 4, MAYBE) ... so, i'm WAY excited to get to hang with them ... but i almost fell over when mom said it was a 10 day trip ... :O ... 10 days!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOA !!! i have SO much work to do this summer to get the new curriculum ready for next year!!! ... anyway ...

i've also had this MAJOR itch to DO THINGS ... probably cuz i'm getting "older" :) ... so ... to get to go to disneyland again is gonna be WAY COOL ... i haven't been since i was 7 yrs old & i only remember ONE THING about it ... sitting behind my cousin (Jason) on this moutain-snow-ride-thing & the abominable snowman stepped out in front of us & SCARED ME TO DEATH ... yup, that's my ONLY memory :)

we're also gonna go up to Cambria one day to see some seals ... idk ... it'll be nice to site-see along the coast ... i HATE the water ... but i'm getting to where i REALLY enjoy being OUTSIDE ... weird huh, most vampires CAN'T handle the sunlight :) :) :)

man ... i have SO much WORK to do before we go ... in the last 2 weeks i've dropped 10 lbs of the MASSIVE amount of weight i gained this past year ... i have 10 days before we leave & want to drop another 10 lbs .. YIKES!!!! ... the long term goal will be 20 more lbs (but i can't do that in 10 days) ... yup, i gained 30 lbs this past year ... probably most of it within the last semester of school ... DISGUSTING, huh ... i know ... i'm pretty ashamed ... but ... it's coming off, so ... that's COOL ... LATA

the older i get, the more RANDOM i get

2009-05-31T21:23:55Z

everyday is the same

dropped 2 more lbs this week ... YAY!!!

WANT to go outside today ... but don't want to get all GROSS before church tonight

starting SAT night church services soon ... UGH ... what's wrong with SUN night???

about 1/2 way done typing up all my vocab for next year i will have to start typing up all the notes soon

my 1st period class got a 95 class average on their semester exam ... my highest class avg EVER ... YAY

tired ... want to lay down & sleep for HOURS & HOURS ... but don't wanna have to re-do my make-up before tonight

not feeling very "social" today ... do i EVER??????

i want to pick up & move ... want to go to califormia ... been looking at teaching positions at GOOD schools in the LA area ... but ... i'm not going ... we all know that ... why do i even torture myself with looking at the schools or houses?????

want to go on a vaca that's FUN & not just staying at someone's house for a visit ... i wanna go to the beach ... i wanna go to Vegas ... i wanna go to disneyland ... i wanna go dancing ... i wanna stay in a hotel that i CAN'T afford ... i wanna finally get the tat i've always been too scared to get ... i wanna go to a show & rock out ... i wanna meet people & not care what they're thinking about me ... i wanna go swimming ... i wanna go to the mtns ... i wanna just GO somewhere

i'm hungry ... i want ice cream ... do you have ANY idea how long i've deprived myself of ICE CREAM????????????? who am i kidding, i'm NOT going to eat any ice cream ... i'll make some coffee instead

i think i need therapy

revelations ...

2009-05-19T23:56:33Z

k ... so ... HAVING to teach geography instead of world history next year MAY NOT be TOO horrible ...

an "up side" ... i get to teach GEOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!! which is what i WANTED to major in at college, but it wasn't offered ... so ... that'll be a FUN time for me!!!!!

why bother giving my heart away??

2009-05-10T00:23:29Z

just got the news about ANOTHER couple that is falling apart because one of the two CHEATED on the other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why in the world would i want to GIVE my heart to someone when it seriously seems like everyone cheats eventually ????? i know, dan ... everyone DOESN'T cheat ... but, it certainly DOES seem that way???????????????
why invest myself THAT closely into a relationship when it probably WON'T last??? i'm a MEGA-LOYAL person & wouldn't ever DREAM of cheating on someone i SAY i love ... but ... i don't seem to be the norm anymore :(
i just DON'T understand

on another "uplifting note" ... i HATE mother's day ... it sucks having to watch EVERYONE else hang out with their family ... while i'm alone ... sigh
i also have a headache ... is it psychosomatic??? i wonder????

also ... have you EVER noticed that when you start adding bands that you actually LIKE onto your page ... every "band" that EVER existed suddenly comes outta the woodwork & wants you to add them???????????????

i'm SUCH a music freak that i DO love to discover NEW bands ... but ... i just had 40 bands whom i've NEVER heard of (& neither have you probably) all hit me up at the SAME time to add them ... & this comes RIGHT after i had time to sit down & add all the bands i actually dig & listen to ...

when i started sending a "message" before adding them as to "WHY" they wanted to be my friend, this one guy in particular got mad ... "well, i thought you might like my music" ... BAhahaha ... the guy who sent that was a member of a Tejano band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously, LOOK AT MY PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do you think i listen to TEJANO music ???????????????????

another guy sent me a comment about how "*%$&@% *&% #!$ [his] music is" & that "it's going to be the %#&* that i want to get %&*#%$ to by my lady" ... GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i deleted that comment & deleted his band too ... UGH ... gross!!!!! and again ... IF he had even GLANCED at my page he'd know that i'm NOT GAY, don't believe in sex until marriage & probably wouldn't want that kind of TRASH talk on my page ... seriously, did he think i was a guy????????????????

SHEESH!!!!! ima go now ... this was going to be a "relaxing" day & now i'm all "frustrated" ... gonna go outside for a while ... the sun is hitting my patio ... LATA

UGH ...

2009-05-08T02:33:48Z

today has been ... a DAY ... **sigh**

it's just the end of the year & things get harder as school winds down ... BUT ... **sigh**

1. talking to a male teacher this morning about the fact that i'm single ... he was "upbeat" about it & reassured me not to worry ... that i wouldn't be alone FOREVER ... but, what does he know??? he's younger than me, married & a father already ...

2. while i was telling a story about me, whitney & kyle in 3rd period today, a kid said to me ... "ew, do you LIKE going out with all those people? you're like, the third wheel all the time aren't you?" ... thx kid ... that's why i DON'T go out as often as i used to

3. the meeting we had tonight ... i just wonder ... WHY am i involved at all????? i KNOW it's where God has me, but i sometimes wonder why i bother ... i'm NOT "needed" ... kyle can do the music easily without me ... whitney can do the pics easily without me ... i'm supposed to be the official "substitute teacher" whenever someone is "gone", but they still ask roger to cover classes for them ... i KNOW it's jsut satan attacking my mind & i'll "push through it" like always ...

4. i HATE it when people THINK i don't know about something so they "tip toe" around it ... when i in fact DO know about it & would appreciate the pretense to NOT be there

5. my calendar for the summer looks HORRIFYING!!!!! i won't be in midland for almost the ENTIRE month of july :( ... & i HAVE to teach a NEW subject next year ... do you have ANY idea HOW MUCH work that's going to be to get everything "set up" ???????? i'm SO not looking forward to this summer anymore

6. many of the kids have decided that they have the right to do w/e they want to do in class ... EVEN WHEN I SAY NO ... leaving the classroom, causing probllems, talking, using phones more than they used to ... they're certainly DONE!!! & it sucks

7. on top of that ... the freaking dog above me is HOWLING again ... seriously, i'm going to SHOOT that dog!!! VERY VERY VERY SOON!

At least Jesus says ... "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28 - 19

HEY, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!! THAT TEST .... I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD IS GOOD ;) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN SHOCK!!!!!!!

2009-04-25T15:58:08Z

i'm pretty FLOORED & BLOWN AWAY at the moment ... still TRYING to process things in my head ... i WANT to believe the BEST in people, but ... :(

between dealing with that ... waiting for my test scores, grading TONS of papers, & in a state of career limbo ... my mind is FRIED ... & i ended up going home from school yesterday with another one of my stupid "stress headaches" ... GRRRR

GOD ... TAKE CARE OF ME PLEASE ... I KNOW YOU WILL ... & I THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR ME :)

k ... going outside to read & grade NHD papers

(2 bands who are currently REALLY "speaking to me" ... RED & THE BECOMING ... if you haven't, you SHOULD check them out)

***** i'm SO DONE worrying about this stupid test ... i've allowed my mind to be consumed with the thought of failure ... i'm NOT perfect & can't expect that i'll always perform as such ... w/e God wants to happen will ...
1. if i fail ... i'll focus on what He's trying to teach me through all this mess
2. if i pass ... i'll give Him the glory, knowing that it WASN'T ME who passed that sucker

it's a NEW day

2009-04-06T11:03:29Z

i CHOOSE to have faith, trust & believe in God & his promises to me

Jer 29:11
Rom 8:28

dissed AGAIN

2009-04-05T20:35:43Z

today i looked down at either end of my pew ...

there were 3 other couples sitting around me ...

the 2 couples on the left are solid, strong, happy & one of them was even rocking their NEWBORN baby boy ...

the couple on the right have been together since WWII!!!!!!!!!!!! he had his aged arm wrapped around her frail body ...

i suddenly thought about the guy who's now DISSED me TWICE ...

then i realized ...

i will NEVER be like them ...

i'll never know what it feels like to have an aged arm wrapped around me ...

nor will i ever rock my own newborn baby boy flanked by my husband & my parents ...

sigh

i need HELP!!!!

2009-03-30T02:05:31Z

i'm falling apart here ...

i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face ... i'm just ... DONE

aside from all the "crap with another teacher at school" (read below entries if you're clueless) ... i have a TON of other things going on right now too ... i DID talk to my "boss" about him though ... i laid EVERYHTING out & said EVERYTHING ... although i still don't think i'm "believed" ... at least the REST of the history dept sees it though ... my boss may not believe what's going on ... but they see it & know that i'm not crazy

anyway ... on top of that ...

i have a test for work coming up next sat ... & it's over crap that i DON'T KNOW AT ALL!!!! i'm a WORLD HISTORY person & i've ALWAYS ACED EVERY WORLD HISTORY test i've EVER had to take ... it's ALL i've ever focused on & it's all i know ... BUT ... the test i have to take & PASS has all of the following on it ...
1. world history
2. US history
3. TX history
4. world geography
5. US government
6. economics (i am WAY CLUELESS HERE)

i'm going to be fine with the world history & pretty good with the US government & world geography ... but the other stuff ... ugh ... i sort of have study sheets but they're MASSIVE!!!! i'm feeling SOOOOOOOOOO overwhelmed !!!!!!!

last thurs i had another one of those stress headaches while i was teaching my 5th period & ended up having to go home in tears at the beginning of 6th period ... my hands were totally numb & i was beginning to lose my sight so mr lacroix kicked me out & made me leave :)

then fri night i studied until 1 am ... then got up sat morning at 9 & studying ALL day ... then at about 10:30 pm on sat i started feeling sick to my stomach ... i ended up crying like a child to my mother at 11 pm sat night while sitting on the bathroom floor with my head lying on the toilet until i started to feel better ...

mom thinks it's all just nerves about passing this test ... you see ... i've NEVER failed a major thing like this & can't bear to have to stand in front of all my students & tell them that i've failed ... the thought of that just breaks my heart ... not to mention the fact that the above mentioned "jerk teacher" would RELISH the thought of me failing this test

anywa ... on top of that ...

there's also this guy i've been "talking to" ... but I'M SO DONE!!! i don't handle "being dropped" very well & this guy did that to me (as do ALL men) ... then he BLAMED ME by saying that it's just that i'm beautiful & successful so he didn't think he had anything to "offer me" ... that was his excuse as to why he DROPPED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH ... i'm DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just "vented" to rebecca (seriously, eat a WHOLE LOT of ice cream for me please ... i NEED it girl) which i RARELY do (sorry btw) i would have called whitney but she said she had a ton of things to do ... glad i can vet here ... cuz i really NEEDED it

i've decided that i'm gonna go & be a nun ... that is, after i take some pills & cry myself to sleep ... night

GASP!!!!!!

2009-03-15T01:06:39Z

k ... my flight to dallas today was the WORST one i've EVER HAD!!!!!

the lady next to me ... across the isle ... had a stroke!!!!!!!

there was a doc & nurse on flight, so they came up to the front & took care of her ... reviving her, getting her oxygen, blood pressure, & even getting an IV set up ...

since i was RIGHT THERE, i was the person holding everything & w/e else was dumped on me when the woman "went out" ... i was holding the stewardess' peanuts, the nurse's jacket, & even all the plastic trash from the oxygen masks

UGH ... terrifying ... honestly, when i saw her ... i thought she was DEAD!!!!!! she went LIMP & fell over onto the young boy next to her ... eyes open, mouth open, drool coming down the right side of her face ... she just FELL OVER !!!!!!! i just started praying, "God, please don't let her die. God please don't let that boy next to her be haunted. God, please! I DON'T want to see someone DIE!"

not fun ... the paramedics came to get her when we landed in dallas & they said she's probably ok & it was only a mini-stroke ... but ... it was horrifying to me ... i'll NEVER forget what her face looked like ... unresponsive

my biggest fears

2009-03-11T01:43:51Z

"it's not the power of the curse ... it's the power you GIVE the curse" ... from the movie Penelope

ok ... it was a TOTAL fairy tale ... but if you haven't seen the movie Penelope, with Christina Ricci ... WATCH IT

i REALLY wasn't all the interested in the movie, but ... i LOVE her & i wasn't feeling very well, so ... i did

funny thing though ... this simple, little CHILD-LIKE movie REALLY made me THINK ... it made me think about WHAT i've ALWAYS been SOOOOOOOOOO afraid of ...

i pray DAILY for God to send me a companion, someone to spend my life with, share my thoughts with & glorify Him with ... BUT often i feel as though my prayers are falling on deaf ears ... ah crap, my eyes are tearing up ... grrrr

anyway ... i'm VERY stand-off-ish with men because i DON'T trust them ... i don't trust them to "stick around" ... there are SO many divorces & i DESPERATELY don't want to be another "statistic" ... so ... it's easier to simply STAY AWAY from them

i got to thinking though ... what is at the bottom of my "fear" of being rejected & abandoned???

idk that i REALLY have come to an ANSWER, but ... i think it may be that i've NEVER been truly comfortable with myself

*******LET's do the PHYSICAL first ...

1. BEAUTY - i've ALWAYS struggled with beauty ... i hung out with some REALLY beautiful girls when i was little & i ALWAYS knew that i didn't "measure up" ... then in high school some of my "choir friends" were ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!! all the guys liked them ... but they only liked me "as a friend" ... i was the girl who'd always deliver the "will you go out with me" letter ... but rarely got them myself ...

2. BODY-TYPE - i've also ALWAYS struggled with my body-type ... i'm not a "big girl", but i'm also not "skin & bones" & that's SO hard to deal with in a world where guys won't look twice at you if you don't look like angelina jolie or jessica alba (my body type is a little more selma hayeck, except even she's SMALLER all over than me) ... i've also ALWAYS been over-concsious of my "curves" because i've experienced that IF a guy does like the curves, that's ALL he likes ... ya know ... i live RIGHT across from the pool now & would LOVE to go swimming, but just ... CAN'T ... i LITERALLY haven't been in a bathing suit for YEARS ... not even so much because of fat or anything ... just because of my stupid chest ... ugh, i GOTTA get it "cut off" some day ;) ... haha ... i WANT to ... but probably never will

3. FRECKLES - i've ALWAYS hated my freckles ... you didn't even know i had freckles huh? yup ... that's cuz i COVER them up ... when i was little, the DORKY kids in movies were always the red-headed fat kids with FRECKLES & this one time, in jr high, there was this guy ... ugh ... we were NOT friends, but ... he said once that my freckles made my face look like it was covered in acne if you looked at me from far away ... stupid thing to say, i KNOW ... esp considering the fact that i've NEVER struggled with acne EVER in my ENTIRE life ... but, it hurt none-the-less ... ya know what, now that i'm sittin' here thinking about HIM ... ugh ... he was RED-HEADED & had FRECKLES!!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, i started piling on my mask of make-up in jr high & never stopped ... i have people tell me all the time that my skin is "so pretty", but no matter how many times i hear it ... i DON'T believe them & automatically wonder what they WANT from me they give me that compliment

4. HANDS & FEET - i'm SOOOOOOOOO self-concsious of my fingers & feet ... i feel like i have big fingers & toes ... i see women all the time with long, slender & beautiful fingers & mine are short & fat ... i ALWAYS notice a man's hands & always PRAY that they DON'T notice my hands :) stupid, huh, but a "hang-up" none the less ... not to mention the fact that i've always heard that i have my dad's feet, then i hear people say that his feet are ugly ... um ... that means MINE are ugly ... i also CONSTANTLY hear people make fun of other people's feet, about how "ugly" they are ... then i look at mine & think ... omg, if they think someone else's feet are ugly, then what about me????

5. SMILE & TEETH - i've always hated my smile ... i think it's "crooked" ... PLUS, whenever i smile, my cheeks look GIGANTINORMOUS (yes, i jsut made up that word) ... i look like a little CHIPMUNK :) ... i never had braces cuz i didn't need them ... but ... i look at people's teeth who DID have braces & their teeth are ALL the SAME size ... mine aren't ... my teeth are straight & i don't have any cavities (i ROCK) but i WISH my teeth were all the same size ... petty? YES ... but an annoyance ... i get told often (by men) that i have a great simle ... but i'm almost always positive that tehy are just saying that in hopes of getting something in return ... which they're NOT gettin'!!!!!!!!!!!

******* now for the INSIDE of me ...

1. INDECISIVE - i HATE that i'm that way ... i freaking HATE it ... people always say, "just speak up & don't be scared" ... it's SOOOOOO not that easy !!!!!!! do you think i enjoy NEVER having an opinion??? never making my "thoughts" known??? but ... what if i wanna go to rosas & everyone else wants to go to quiznos???? every one else shouldn't have to go somewhere that they DON'T want to go, or listen to music they don't want to hear, or pay to watch a movie they don't want to watch, or talk on the phone when they have better things to do, etc ... so, i just keep my mouth shut & go with the flow ... i HATE that i'm that way, but i also don't want to make people do something they don't want to do by "forcing" my thoughts, opinions, or wants on them ... ya know, it's funny, my students have such a DIFFERENT view of me ... they see me NOT like this, so whenever i say something about me being shy, they have such a HARD time with it ;) ... weird huh :)

2. SHY - i don't WANT to be shy ... i WANT to be the girl in the crowd who engages & captivates everyone's attention ... but, i'm not & in the past when i've TRIED to be how i am with my students (captivating & engaging) people have SOOOOOOOO dissed me ... i LOST a close friend & an "adoptive parent" that i've known since the 1st & 2nd grade because i finally PUT MY FOOT DOWN & REFUSED to allow them to walk all over me & push me into doing their bidding ... i FINALLY felt some "freedom" & was truly "proud of myself for standing up for myself ... but ... then i was made out to look like the "bad guy" ... so, what did i gain for trying to not be shy???? nothing ... i gained nothing ... if i stay quiet & am a follower, i won't be "left" ... but do i REALLY want people in my life who ONLY want me around so they have someone to "push"??? idk ... the GOOD thing (at the moment) is that i DON'T think i have people like that surrounding me anymore ... i know that my closest friends love me ... even though i DO have those fears that they don't sometimes :)

3. FEAR - i think i hate this more than anything ... FEAR ... ugh ... what an UGLY four-letter word ... & such a "dominating" four-letter word ... i have several social anxieties that are SO annoying !!!!! i'm always afraid that people are only hanging with me cuz they "have to" or feel obligated to ... i'm scared to death to step into a place where i've never been all alone!!!! ... i'm terrified to TELL people how i really feel about them because i'm so afraid they won't return those feelings !!! ... i'm in a panic almost when i think about the POSSIBILITY of ever being married because i'd rather DIE than have to go through the pain & rejection of a divorce!!!!!

4. MISTRUST - i'm REAL bad in this department ... i rarely trust anyone ... esp men ... there are FEW i belive ... in fact ... i could probably count them on both my hands ... TOTALLY less than 10 ... it's also interesting to look at things like myspace pics comments ... have you noticed WHO comments??? i have ... MEN!!! & honestly, the only men i REALLY believe when they say something "positive" about me are kyle, josh, dan, dale & ashe (oh yeh, my bro too) cuz i KNOW they're not just trying to "get something" out of their compliment ... i KNOW them & trust that they REALLY mean what they say ... it's just SO frustrating also to have men who DON'T know me at all say "why don't you trust me?" um ... cuz I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!! you can't takl about the weather with me once a day & expect to forge a RELATIONSHIP that way ... ya know, it DOES take more comvo than that ... it's also AMAZING to me too that so many men get "angry" with me because i'm "CAUTIOUS" & refuse to "go out with them" when i DON'T KNOW them ... um ... IF they were being HONEST & REALLY had ANY respect for ME AS A PERSON, that wouldn't bother them??? would it???? it's also AMAZING to me the amount of men who were "REALLY" my friends ... who have also DITCHED me "BIG TIME" ... people who constantly told me that i could TRUST Them for a while .. .then simply "went away" ... i DON'T understand ABANDONING people you claim to care about & respect ... it just makes me wonder what i did to make them not give a RIP About me anymore, ya know

you're probably reading this thinking "omg, she's a TOTAL nutcase" (if anyone's reading this at all) ... you're probably right ... but ... something that i'm learning as i get older is that EVERYONE has these SAME feelings to some "small" extent ... maybe not as CRAZILY (yes, i just MADE up that word)as i feel them, but if you were honest with yourself ... you'd KNOW it was true

as i get older & CLOSER to God ... i also am coming to the realization that God CREATED ME THE WAY HE WANTS ME!!! YES, I SHOULD TRUST IN HIM & PUSH THOUGH THOSE FEARS, LEARN TO ACCEPT MYSELF, ETC ... BUT HE CREATED ME & HE LOVES ME & I DO BELIEVE HE MADE SOME MAN OUT THERE WHO WILL WANT ME ONE DAY!!! he'll want me just like the guy in the movie penelope wanted her ... REGARDLESS of her "pig-nose" ... regardless of all my neurotic hang-ups ... i LOVE this quote that came from the movie ...

"it's not the power of the curse ... it's the power you GIVE the curse"

for TOO long, i've been giving my "curses" WAY too much power & that has HINDERED me from doing the AMAZING THINGS God has planned for me ... i'm NOT saying "YAY, i'm CURED" ... haha ... not quite ... but i AM saying that i believe that God is changing me using "baby-steps" & i'll continue to take his hand like a small child & follow him ... EVEN THOUGH sometimes i'm SCARED to death!!!!!! like now ... i'm SCARED to death ... met someone ... someone who's either "interested" or (once again) just "using me" ... but either way, i know God will be leading me & i'm not ever alone ... no matter how alone or rejected i feel at times

omg i'm SO tired

2009-03-03T02:31:56Z

i literally worked ALL weekend ... didn't stop (except while i was seeing the BABY fri night)

have worked ALL day straight today ... in fact, still trying to get this stuff done ... ugh

TAKS test tomorrow ... YUCK!!!!!!!!!

i suddenly have a headache, now ... grrr

TOO MUCH TO DO RIGHT NOW!!!!! seriously, i NEED help!!!!

a subtle reminder

2009-03-02T01:57:47Z

i hate messages like the one tonight ...

about the Family Unit .. .don't get me wrong, Tom did a good job ... it was a "good" message ... it just reminded me that ...

i'm alone & don't have any of what he was talking about

**sigh**

i also have a REAL problem with people who constantly want to be the center of attention & act ... um ... "diva-esque" ... ugh ... although i don't mean tom :) ... maybe THAT is actually what really put me in a "downward mood" tonight ... idk

i'm gonna go work-out ... need to relieve a little stress

a sense of PEACE :)

2009-03-01T01:50:20Z

last summer, someone was REALLY horrible about me ... very judgmental, assuming & WRONG sadly, i still DON'T know why ... anyway ... that has weighed HEAVILY on my heart since then ... AND ...

around xmas, i felt as though my area of service was beginning to "change" ... i felt "called" to teach & no longer called to lead the worship ... the problem??? ... the "person" above ... i was TERRIFIED to talk to the correct people about what i was feeling & hearing in my prayers, fearing that i was not "right" or "fit" to be in a teenage sunday school classroom ... so i kept my mouth shut ... but EVERY SINGLE message, devotional that i read, prayer, etc. seemed to speak to me & re-interate that i NEEDED to "take care of business" ... i finally did last weds night ... & i have to be honest ... i can't describe the PEACE that came over me once i did ... i'm teaching for heath & rebecca tomorrow since they just had their baby & i'll basically be the "permanent sub" for a while, so the "move" can be a slow transition ... i'm still praying about WHERE God wants me ... but ... i have no doubt that i'm on His "path" ... i'm not "ditching" the music ministry ... i'll still be there & contribute (i CAN'T not be involved in music, ya'll) ... i just feel like i'm being moved into another direction ... it's scary & exciting all at the same time ... btw, teaching about Josiah tomorrow

in other news ... REBECCA HAD HER BABY FRI AT 1 PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his name is Blake Charles Wilson ... he's SO cute :) :) :) so TINY!!!!!!! so BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

k ... i have 10000000 things to do ... so ... gotta RUN :)